Voices from Within

And then, the week got better as I realized something interesting.

As I encountered, these one by one, a part of me felt like crap. But there was another part, which observed this part feeling bad!

Its like "Me seeing my-agitated-other-self" - A calm Super Ego monitoring the suffering Ego.

and then I saw another 'me', a higher-ego overseeing and  "this Super Ego observing the Ego".

now, Who am I?

What a wretched week!!

Monday: Back to Bangalore - find my keys missing. Had to stay in friend's place for two days.
- No Bike, no laptop, no books, no iPod;
I could have shopped, but then, I decided to "experience" it - same clothes and smelly socks!! - aaah!

When I finally reached work late - the weekend simulations had crashed!

Wednesday: Email from Income Tax Dept about the non-receipt of my ITR-V. Called my C.A. He says, "We could have missed it. Can you re-sign and post it yourselves?" - WTH!

Thursday: A legal notice from a lawyer about non-payment of a broadband fee - for the service, which I had terminated looong time ago! 30 min with the dumb customer-care girl to explain their messup.

Friday: The week spills over. Who likes cubicle weekends.

Huh! When it rains, it pours!
lets see what the weekend has in store!

-Vinbot

These are very, very different things and I don't know why do I confuse them?
I'm unsure of what the cause of my recent actions/decisions are.

Is it an act of Love or.. Fear of not doing it??
Or - is the fear of the possible Guilt of consequences of not doing it.
gets worse, when Gratitude joins the list.

At a deeper level, I kinda know the answer. But I pretend, that everything is fine. Things are under control.
I shield myself with lies - knowing that the truth'll cut-in even deeper.

A while back, I started asking myself this question : "Why do I do, what I do??"

If, the answer is something other than, "I want to do!", I think again.

"Need to do " - "supposed to do" - "meant to do" - "expected to do" : I'm sorry!!

Sometimes, I come up with weird answers like "That's the right thing to do." - I'm not sure how to deal with this yet!

I'm amazed at the number of things that I did, with out fully understanding Why!
I thought, I was living consciously until...

Now, what do you do when the most important folks ask for the most important things?

Its certainly not having-the-cake-and-eating types. Its not even a cake. Not the same cake, atleast!

Its like having to make a choice, without wanting to. And worse, a choice with all these varied emotions mixed up.

Will this Maniac March clear up things?

-Vinodh

Here is another experiment and a super failure!!

On 9 Feb'10,  I deleted all the previous posts to reset the blog.. I said to myself - a Fresh Start .. Brand new Life... Tabula-rasa.. The Big Bang.

An experiment at Ctrl+Z;
life-prompt> rm -rf / ;

Also to make a metaphorical point!! rather to myself!

I almost got away with this, until last week.

I was lazily looking at a silly email fwd, of an optical illusion.. And I didn't get it the first time. But, when I saw the answer, I saw it.. But, when I tried to see it again, it was so obvious, it was no more fun! - how did I miss that!

When you get to know something, see something - there is NO WAY you can un-learn un-see it.

Have you felt this? - When you listen to the same track the second time, it loses its magic. You don't feel the same emotions.

With everyone you meet,
with every step you take..
with every spoken word,
with every book read, every music track,
with every passing moment,

You change.. You change for ever!! You are never the same - ever again.!!

This expt was a crude attempt of denial;
a futile effort to re-model the reality;

When I discussed this with my super-mom, she quipped,
If you can have a clean slate everytime, whats the fun?

-Vinbot

----
Oh yeah, before deleting, I took a xml-backup of the blog - to show my grand children. I thought they'd be amused at my poetic skills. All the prev posts shd be back shortly.

The Sun is home and shining again.. brighter than ever!

At times, life surprises you with an unexpected googly -  a lethal bouncer!!
It stuns you; Shakes you up; Makes you relook at life;
You panic! You're overcome by the mounting fear of taking guard ever again!

---
Biggest is the fear,
of losing someone dear!

You shudder at
the mere thought of walking alone,
in this world unknown;

crossing this desert-sand
without the helping-hand?

Hoping, the Sun lives on,
We all need the light to go-on!!

-Vinbot